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time.. four years later

Nov. 20th, 2014 | 05:35 pm
mood: sadsad

Four year later....

It has been FOUR years since i have written in this live jounral.. I can only laugh and think back, reflecting on my life,, the amazing, outrageous, unexpected, breathtaking experiences,,, happy and sad that I have experienced is overwhelming... and pretty unbelievable... When I graduated from high school, my student counsil director gave us the book "oh the places you will go" by Dr. Seuss... and it's just pretty amazing to think about.

I have had the urge to write for a while.. I do not know why I ever stop.  I will be 32 years old in a few months and nodbody could have ever told me I would be living in Alaska, married to my best friend with 2 gorgeous, amazing doberman pups..... and no kids.....I just realized that I have not actually expressed in words or writing to anyone... about not having babies... since I miscarried... I wrote a letter to that baby... and i sealed it tight and put it in a box... I didn't even tell Matt about it.  I think I cried for a week or two... I felt like a water faucet that was broken

Nobody could have told me that I would have seen the northern lights.. the aurora borealis more times than I can count on my hands.... nobody could have told me I would get to see multiple orca pods, humpback whales breaching, baby marine mammals bobbing around,, the midnight sun,,, a sun that does not set....that I would climb mountains..... seeing mountains EVERY DAY...... fishing for salmon, eating salmon year round...  or that I would meet a few of the most amazing friends I could ask for,,, in Alaska.

I have seen the Iditarod 4 times,,,, I have seen Mt.McKinley and all of her beauty.... I have cross country skiied in some beautiful places... I have hiked out to a HUT ... in the middle of nowhere.... I've been to places on the map people don't know about.... and never will.....

Nobody could have told me how much peace and restfulness I would find when I moved to Alaska... away from everything we knew.. everyone  we knew.. away... who does that?

I never dreamed that I wouldn't have kids... the thought of never being able to have children never crossed my mind.  Having a totaly unexpected pregnancy, crying when I found out,,then only to miscarry 2 weeks later was probably the most devastating experience of my life. I thought I never wanted to go through it again,, but sitting here now... over 2 years later, I would do anything to just KNOW that I can get pregnant.  It's the most frustrating thing ever.... Having a miscarriage,,,, when 3 other colleagues who were also pregnant with their first.... raised more saddness in my heart than I have EVER experienced... it wasn't a deep jealousy,, I was of course happy for them,, but it just hurt so bad..... wanting something so, horribly bad.... and knowing I have NO control over it.... You would think you have control...... but no matter our timing,,, no matter how many ovulation strips I go through to time everything, no matter how many pregnancy tests i pay for and use, even though I know it's not the month..... no matter how many times I get my hopes up,,, no matter how many progesterone blood draws,,, the fertility drugs, the exhaustion of thinking about it every, single day.... is killing me.

Sometimes I think God put me in Alaska as a diversion,,, knowing I can't have children,,, he decided to fill my life up with some of the most beautiful, exhilirating, fulfilling experiences one could ever, possibly have.... he is meeting my threshold,, and need for LIFE to be filling me...

I love kids.. i love kids so much. I work with kids... I work with kids who have special needs,,, who have autism, developmental delays, physical impairments, I work with kids who have parents who truly don't care... i work with kids who have been exposed to fetal alcohol, cocain, heroin.... but I can't have kids....

I would like to preface this statement with.. I love my siblings.. they are all great.. and i'm lucky to have them...I have siblings who have multiple children from different mothers,,, I  have siblings who were all lucky enough to marry someone with a child or two... I have 11 nieces and nephews.... and I LOVE THEM.. I think they are so amazing.. and all so different... I just don't even know what I would do without them. sometimes I wish I could whisk them away...... and I KNOW how lucky I am to be an aunt... it's so awesome to be an Aunt. I LOVE being an aunt.. and i'm a rockin', awesome, good Aunt lol.... but..... when i'm 90 years old, sitting on my porch swing,, I want my kids and grand kids to visit me...

I did everything right....just how the books say you should... go to college, get a degree,, get married, have a career,,,buy a house... and THEN have babies...

I feel so selfish for thinking like this... but seriously,, HOW did this happen?!

I find myself goign in these vicious cycles of hope vs. defeat.... And I know all God wants out of me is to trust him... that he's got this,, he's got my back and when the time is right,,, it will happen,,,, and when it does, I will feel an overwhelming joy that not many people get to experience....a differen't kind of joy aside from actually having a baby... but a a joy in the experience of hope, faith and trust in Him.  This whole experience has shined a very, bright light on Gods word, his promises and my whole relationship with him.  I know my job is to wait on him.. and to trust in him... and to have faith.  I like to think that he put the desire of children in my heart for a reason,, however i also know that there are people in this world who just can't have babies.. and maybe I am one of them... however, I am hoping to be one of the miracle stories....

Jerimiah 29:11  For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

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Gran's Funeral

Jan. 3rd, 2010 | 09:42 pm
mood: exhaustedexhausted

 so i think my heart was ripped out this weekend... watching matts family say goodbye to his Gran and watching Poppy say goodbye to the love of his life was so incredibly  freaking sad... with that said... i have never in my life, felt more blessed to be marrying into this family.. a family that is SO tightly knit and so important to one another,, no matter how crazy they may seem.. i just love them...

On the way home to the funeral, i was thinking about death and funerals of course.. and how much i really do not like them... and how almost made the statement "don't have a viewing for me when i die" and as painful as it was... watching friends and family say their goodbyes,,, and talk with one another... i know it brings closure... its just such a drawn out process...  and i know that the amount of tears just goes to show how amazing she was and what an impact she had on so many people... i just wish it didn't feel so sad. 

The extended close friends of matt's family are amazing,,providing all the food for the past week,, cleaning up after meals and really just being there... does this exist outside of small towns anymore? i have to wonder. 

The cemetery was freezing. It was 8 degrees to be exact, thank god the sun was out. 

If you are reading this, please pray for Poppy, and his health and that he may continually find comfort through friends and family in the days to come. 

RIP Gran.   You will be missed every day.

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(no subject)

Dec. 29th, 2009 | 07:13 pm
mood: sadsad

 Matts grandma passed away this morning... and I am really sad. My stomach hurts.. and i am so sad in my heart for matt and his family and of course Poppy... 

My grandparents both passed away when i was in high school... and they were 2 awful times for me to get over,,,ironically my grandpa passed 2 days after christmas 9 years ago. ....  just a couple weeks ago,, i told matt that i  feel like i have grandparents again,,, they are such amazing people and remind me so much of my grandparents,, they're just GOOD people who have built an amazing family.  

and im sitting here,, thinking about  how nobody probably knows how close i actually feel to them.. and how i'm going to hold it together at the funeral... without people thinking im crazy. i'm such a cryer, and i hate that about myself. 

I know that God takes people whenever he wants and at the right time... but i was so excited for them to be at our wedding,, and when i think about all of the people who are in their 90s,, i have to wonder why none of my grandparents made it that long... i know that is selfish and completely wrong... 

ugh so sad

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Nov. 9th, 2009 | 06:21 pm
mood: sadsad

What happens when you die? Do you stand back for a second and look at your expired self... and then realize you are no longer a part of this world on earth? Or do you all of a sudden see jesus behind bright lights? Do you get to hang out and watch everyone grieve until your funeral is over....Do you get to wait around until your ready to leave... until you know the people who miss you so much,, know that your okay??  

Not that I have any interest in actually finding out what happens..... but I cannot help but wonder what really does happen when we die. 

Today, the world said goodbye to a very very sweet boy... a boy whose smile and eyes were captivating,,, a boy who could tell stories and loved to make you laugh. As hard as it was to say goodbye.... I know in my heart that he is in an amazing place.... where he is safe from his own anger,,, where he doesn't have to be stuck in societies fight.... 

And as i sat through the service,,and looked around,,at just how many people were involved in this boys life,,,and at how much support was around him,,, i wonder if he was amazed,,, and i do hope he know how loved he was by so many people,, who probably did not seem significant in his every day life. 

R.I.P  K.D.B.


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Sad Day

Nov. 4th, 2009 | 10:01 pm
mood: numbnumb

Today was exactly that... a sad day.  It wasn't sad because it was jjust a crappy day, or because I lost something or because anything really... its sad because the world has lost  a boy who despite all the trouble he caused,,, brought many smiles and lessons to be learned. 

As some of you may know, the "swine Flu" is going around some areas pretty severely,,, schools have been closed,,, people are staying home... and hospitals are full.... you hear about how the flu kills people every year, but do you ever really know someone the flu takes life from? 

So theres this boy on our caseload..... he is  10,,, and he  has a charming smile...a love for crafts and projects....which were some of the only things he ever displayed pride in,, and actually attended to during therapy..... this boy was emotionally impaired and suffered from explosive behavior at times,,,, ..Aside from this,,, he is a healthy boy,,,doesn't have asthma,, doesn't have any other medical conditions... 

in the midst of the flu,, he contracted it,,, was admitted to the hospital,,, and very quickly went down hill... after just a couple of days,,, his kidneys began to fail,,, followed by minimal brain activity,,, fluid filled lungs and heart failure... He was air lifted to UofM this morning with hopes of cleansing his blood with a special machine,,, however he hemorrhaged once he arrived,,, further leading to the very difficult decision his mother had to make to take him off of life support...  

it has crossed my mind that this is gods way of saving him from all the terrible things that would have happened ( not that i know this,,, but he wasn't goign down a good path) so many times we had discussed the troubles he would encounter and how one day the system would no longer excuse his behavior because he was a minor.... He is now free from his anger,,, happy and in a very safe place....I can only pray that his mother is some how able to cope with the loss of her son,,, not to society,, but to health... He's in a good place now,, 


so sad

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Aug. 23rd, 2009 | 05:54 pm
mood: happyhappy

Well.. It has been 1 month and 2 days since my previous post and since that post i have been insanely busy with weddings, bachelorette parties, head colds, wedding planning,  my new job and arranging this apartment.

Currently, Life is terribly good haha.. I'm in that spot that you ask to be in all the time.. the one you talk to god about all day.. the one you dream about.. I have the most amazing fiance,,, I have a cute little apartment... i have an AMAZING job and a glass of cheap wine sitting next to me :) 

Right now, im snuggled up in my favorite corner of the couch. I'm listening to my really loud washing machine that i feel oh so blessed to have nestled in a corner of my kitchen! And  have a pile of half folded laundry sitting on the floor next to me.

Mentally, I am in my  happy place... I just feel happy. When i started my second year of work in the nursing home,,, everyday I left work saying, " I love OT, I love my residents, but i Hate my job... I just want to love my job." for a really long time, I believed that was as good as it was goign to get... though my job was draining i worked with an amazing staff that i really miss. I do not regret my time iN tawas.... it helped me grow, i have made some life long friends and it taught me a lot of life lessons about relationships, death, life, long distance relationships and really, so many little things.

God takes us on paths that we do not understand unti after the fact... he takes us places and tests us in so many ways before he puts us where WE want to be or even where we think we want to be.... I wasn't ready to work with kids right away... but how blessed am I to have the job I have??? SO SO SO amazingly blessed.. I wish i could put it into words...But in a nutshell.... last week was a week of meltdowns.. and when my little angry, aggressive four year old came up to me and gave ma a bear hug and then hugged the other therapist and asked for deep pressure and was totally recognizing his sensory needs! HOW EXCITING... if you only knew. And my 10 year old who HATES hand writing... sat down and did HW for 3 whole minutes and formed his letter beautifully...

Some of you might ask what an OT does with kids... well.. pretty much everything... we see kids with mood disorders, ADHD, Autism, developmental delay, poor social skills and severely inappropriate behaviors for their age. The meltdowns are rough and its kinda scary when things get thrown across the room at full force... but then u have that little 4 year old who finally starts to hug... and smile and laugh because he is finally understanding his sensory needs.. YAY. It puts me in my happy place and everyday when i leave work... I smile. 

I finally feel like i have found my passion and now,, finally, i get to run with it.  God doesn't put wonder in our hearts for it to just sit there...

As for wedding planning,,, super exciting as well... I think were pretty on track as far as booking everthing... We deliberated over finding a ceremony location that will hold all of our guests.... there was a really cute chapel in shelby, but it only held 75 people...tooooo small.. so we decided on golden hawk golf course in casco and then the reception is at Zuccaros In chesterfield, which I am also very happy with and it was pretty much the most affordable... I always said i wasn't goign to be one of those people who had to pay off their wedding.. haha and its looking that way! My mom has graciously offered to pay for the cake,invitations, and the rehearsal dinner, which i even feel guilty about considering my dad has been laid off for almost a year now.

My dress is on order and i am SO In love with it... If you'd like to see it just ask and ill get the link for you... it's a casablanca,,, and it was JUST over my budget... im so happy with it... Except the model for it looks awful and the dress is super ugly on her.. id never have even looked at it... but theres a beautiful google image :) I heart google.

I think i have a Bridesmaid dress picked out and im super excited abotu that too... it has the same neckline .

We have a cake lady,,, a DJ and some leads on flowers,, but i really need an affordable photographer.. its so expensive. I refuse to pay 2000$ for 4 hours! ridic.

We have also been honeymoon searching.... unfortunately we have been spoiled and living way above our means and spending time in ROMe and a classy resort in dominican for Matt's sisters wedding kind of puts us in a bad place haha but it hink were just goign to splurge on an alll inclusive.... probably mexico since we haven't been there.... we were hoping for costa rica but its super pricey.

I experimented with my DOwn East cookbook i bought whiel we were in Maine... I made a modified version of the mussel chowder.. i added clams and i made it in a crock pot.. its not as creamy as i was hoping,, but nonetheless,,, pretty good...

AND i just took a blueberry pie out of the oven.. they always look good but never seem to come out right... i'm hoping for the best.

Learning to be domesticated is exhausting!

I started working out at a Snap Fitness Center and i LOve it... havent really lost anything but i feel more toned which is the important part right? 

Grey season premiere is one month away! Who thinks Izzy is coming back!?!?! I really have no idea.. im pretty sure george is out of the picture... and what better way to send off george than with izzy too... together at last.. but ugh... sad story.

So in a nutshell... I Am super happy with my life... where my life is going and just feel blessed..

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Aug. 23rd, 2009 | 01:10 am

OMG> i So just wrote the longest, greatest entry,,, and it got erased and my for some reason... my draft did not save.. damnit..

be back tomorrow

life is good

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july happening's

Jul. 22nd, 2009 | 06:56 pm
mood: hopefulhopeful

WOW so much has happened in a month!

Most of you know this, but I once again, live in the great city of kalamazoo! Matt and I moved in together about 2 weeks ago. His lease is up at the end of the month so it would be silly for us to both be paying rent. Moving in has been quite the transition.. not a bad one... just adjusting to all the LIttle things!

I work at Kinetic Kids, which is an amazing private OT practice in kzoo with an amazing owner who i actually had the opportunity to intern with back in the day... super excited to be working with her again! I definitly have a lot to learn, but its so nice to enjoy going to work!

Definitly missing my Tawas peeps, but i will say I am finally starting to feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be! Matt on the other hand is still job hunting. I have a terrible feeling that we will once again be split up. History teaching positions are tough to come by.... he has applied to about 40 of the 50 states! Oh well...God has a plan,, if only we woud learn to let him handle it and stop worrying right!?

Speaking of God having a plan... it's nice to be back at threads.. i really enjoy that church.

As for wedding plans, not a whole lot of plans have been made... we have a date and a hall which is really nice, My mom's friend is going to DJ for us for 275 which is sweet and i have a lead on a photographer. I am currently in the "sticker shock" portion of this whole process and i want to throw up when i thnk about how much money we are about to spend... Neither of our parents are in any position to help us, which is fine considering were both used to that, but our guest list is about 250 ha.. definitly not a good way to have an inexpensive wedding.

Isn't it funny how the older we get the more we realize we have to learn?? SO much to learn about life even when your over a quarter of a century old!

Being back in the peds field is a funny thing... of course like any job there are the clients you really would rather not see and the days you get really nervous about... and the moments you think your not ready for... they come and they go... I have a boy with cerebral palsy that i had to see 2 weeks in a row and was super nervous about,,, but theres somethins amazingly special about CP kids that i have fallen in love with since i worked at bay  cliff .... and i mean---  have fallen completely in love with... they have a special smile.. and a special laugh that makes them like butter in my hands..... they have so much to teach the world, if only we would stop and listen. * sigh* 

I had plans on joing the gym today... Snap fitness,,, i like it a lot.. but i didnt sleep well tonight which means i had a sleepy day,, got home fell asleep for a half hour and then made dinner and though its a 24 hour facility, they close at 7... so i guess i'll have to go friday on my day off because tomorrow is a 9 - 7pm day.. long day! 

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long time

Jun. 28th, 2009 | 10:23 pm

LOng time no write... i feel like i start so many entries like this.. mabe not,, but i feel like it..

how much has changed!

I got engaged!!! Super excited except the money crunching has begun and it makes me want to puke lol.. we are paying for this ourselves and its just so expensive!

back to the good part of the story!..the part where i got engaged haha.

Matt and i ventured out to the east coast for just over a week. We stopped in albany for a night on our way to boston and then we had a day and half in boston which was really hard to accept haha. We could have spent the week there. We walked around harvard square which was cool and then did half of the freedom trail.. very cool.. VERY expensive city, but very very cool.. we ate at the no name restaurant which was super fun.

Then we headed up to Maine.. stayed at an amazing place called the Bar harbor inn and spa....which included 5 to die for breakfasts, 2 dinners and a down east lobster bake! It was so great... Not that this matters to you, but i have to share what we ate for breakfast... raspery stuffed french toast, amazing cinnemon apple crepes with maple whipped cream, lobster havarti o melets, he best eggs benedict ever, blue berry pancakes with Maine maple syrup and blueberries... SO FREAKING GOOD.

The first day we were there was amazing,, the bay was gorgeous with all the lobster boats. Lobster bobbers everywhere. We went up to caddilac mountain which is an overview of the frenchman bay and atlantic. SO beautiful.. about 1500ft up. ( we drove up) Later that week.. we ended up walking/hiking a train that was about 1300 ft up ( we had no idea where we were headed) and it was so beautiful.. super hot out,,,and dehydrating, but amazing.

We also got a harbor tour on a 4 mast sckhouner ( sp?) and got to see some eagles and the bay... and the island still owned by the rockefellers. We wanted to whale watching and see some puffins too, but the weather wasn't great all week... nonetheless we stayed busy.

Before we left bar harbor we went back up to the top of cadillac mtn one more time... which was where the proposal took place... down on one knee,,, in shorts,,, on a rock mountain :) it was sweet.. He proposed with his great grandmother's ring,, which is beautiful.

I'm the luckiest girl ever

I suppose that enough for now, im super exhausted.. but im sure there will be more.

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May. 22nd, 2009 | 11:09 pm
mood: gratefulgrateful

So TGIf right. LONG week... SO super stressed about every single aspect in my life. Does this mean i hate my life? NO. Life is amazing. and in my field of work,,alongn with the declines and death, i get to watch some amazing things happen. Despite my personal life sucking right now... today was amazing.

I walked into the therapy room and i see three big boxes sitting on the table and thought OH FUN they decoupaged yesterday while i was gone. ( We do a group therapy every thursday where we do some kind of therapeutic project or food group or something fun). Not ony did they decoupage fun boxes, but they made them for me. They were covered in "high hopes" messages from some of my favorite residents,, pictures of things from home and moving and bright colors of duct tape to sturdy them for moving. HOW SPECIAL. Brought tears to my eyes. Not only was this an amazing part of my day, but one of my residents walked today, for the first time in 5 months. Following some extensive surgery, then followed by a below knee amputation. She had lost all hope and somehow, God brought her back to life in the past month and she has found new hopes and ambitions in life. She admitted that she was going to die in this nursing home and that she wouldn't ever walk again, over a month ago. And today, she got her prosthesis and she walked. We have been doing a lot of standing in place and weight bearing through her flexed knee, but she hasnt been able to walk. Not that she doesn't have a lot to learn and a lot of endurance to build, but she is an amazing woman who i can ony term as "remarkable" And i feel so blessed to have seen her go through this very hard transition in her life. I am blessed.

So i was going to go home tonight, but i got out of work ( even at a decent hour) and i just didn't want to lol. I went to dinner with Chris and her boys and then just relaxed and watched the wings game, and drank a lot of wine. Im having the after dinner guilt from eating chinese,, and pulling out the left overs during the wings game.. but oh well. I managed to run that damn mile every day plus about 2 miles walking. My knees hurt a lot. Im sure this is normal, but im also sure i probaby shouldnt be running EVERY day, considering my knees are nt conditioned whatsoever.

Home tomorrow until monday. Phil is having a 3 day BBQ exravaganza. shoudl be fun, excited to see the kids.

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(no subject)

May. 19th, 2009 | 10:06 pm

I wish it would thunderstorm

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May. 15th, 2009 | 10:55 pm

Where does the time go? And how do i start living in the moment.. i don't fee like I live in the moment,, I try, but I just don't feel like I do..

Gotta figure it out.

re-reading Soul Cravings. can't wait.

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May. 14th, 2009 | 11:23 pm
mood: contemplativecontemplative

I am outraged at the season finale of greys anatomy. They can't take 2 main characters off of the show... George is clearly going to die, and Izzy is goignt o be a vegetabe...

i think the show had a lot of points made tonight that many of us don't think about.

1. A person who chooses to go to iraq can die at war... but they can also die standing on the side of the road... or by trying to save someones life right here in our own town

2. Izzy was DNR.... they Resuscited her,,,, and now because of that, she is going to be a "turnip" as she called it... Why can't we respect death and its time. yes, ,medicine can save, but wow what a controversial subject... theres all the "what if's" We can resuscitate people and maybe they will live a normal life,, but u just never know.

3. All we have is today... tell the people you love that you love them..... LIVE for today. Don't wait until tomorrow... we are told this so many times, in so many ways,, and working in health care.. i see this every day... you never know when it's your time. life for today.... I need to work on that.

I thought Mer and Der's vows were way super sweet,, and i loved their wedding.

i know, i know.. it's just a show.

Shonda Wilson, i don't like you right now.

tomorrow is friday, thank God....

Something in my house stinks and i can't find it... i took the garbage out,,, mayeb i need to clean my fridge.. gross,, i know

Im working on that mile running crap. it hasn't gotten easier.. but i ran sunday, wed and today... its so hard

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May. 6th, 2009 | 07:15 pm
mood: proud

I just ran a mile... without stopping... I've never ran a mile in my life...

what a mental game...

Thank you biggest loser for inspiring me. If they could run a marathon, i can run a damn mile.. haha.. thats what i kept telling myself... it wasn't bad... hard yes... and the last lap was definitly my limit...

my feet hurt

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May. 1st, 2009 | 01:56 pm
location: kzoo
mood: tiredtired

I posted my previous entry because i really am resigning haha and though I conjured up a formal resignation letter I had contemplated truthful statements that I would have loved to state in my resignation. However that would have been unprofessional, immature and I have to remember that the experience was good, i'm just not meant to work here forever. Speaking of work, I have had the whole week off and not the slightest bit of me is ready to go back.

Matt graduated on saturday! YAY! It was exciting.. then monday we went down to knoxville to help amanda and RJ with their move. Downtown knoxville is pretty sweet and they have a cute little rental house that is perfect for them. As for actually living in knoxville without family or friends, im not sure i could do it.

When i left work last week, we had 6 residents on case load. As of today when i called,, we have TWENTY TWO... 22. yes..22... that is SO MANY residents. Of course, the week i take off,,, is the week we get slammed with admissions. So i had signed up to work this sunday because i have an apt on next friday,,, and ir eally don't want to go back to work.

My mom has an inversion machine,, the ones that relieve pressure between your vertibrae. She bought it in place of having surgery... well.. she was hanging upside down and the ankle lock dislodged and she fell upside down on her head.. My dad was in the garage and she was in the basement, thank God she had her cell phone on her. CAT scan and X rays showed no breaks or fractures which is actually kind of a miracle. Anyway, i want to go home and see her before i head up north... I planned on going home today but matts air mattress has once again failed. I'm making him get a bed ha. I'm paying for it and I'm okay with that. So when he is done subbing today,, were going mattress shopping and then hopefully dinner at martini's and then i need to take off.. id like to stay the night but if im going to my parent's i should take off tonight.

I repeat, there is no part of me that want's to go back to tawas.. ha.. WOW its like having senioritis. I have my recruiter looking for a travel position and they seem to be out there, so thats good, i just can't wait to have something in stone.. can't wait.

okay i suppose thats enough. im sure ill be back soon.

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I resign

May. 1st, 2009 | 01:54 pm

I Resign
(one of the most classic motivational poems)

I am hereby officially tendering my resignation as an adult.
I have decided I would like to accept the responsibilities of an 8-year-old again.
I want to go to McDonald's and think that it's a four star restaurant.
I want to sail sticks across a fresh mud puddle and make ripples with rocks.
I want to think M&Ms are better than money because you can eat them.
I want to lie under a big oak tree and run a lemonade stand with my friends on a hot summer day.
I want to return to a time when life was simple.
When all you knew were colors, multiplication tables, and nursery rhymes,
but that didn't bother you, because you didn't know what you didn't know and you didn't care.
All you knew was to be happy because you were blissfully unaware of all the things that should
make you worried or upset.
I want to think the world is fair.
That everyone is honest and good.
I want to believe that anything is possible.
I want to be oblivious to the complexities of life andbe overly excited by the little things again.
I want to live simple again.
I don't want my day to consist of computer crashes, mountains of paperwork, depressing news,
how to survive more days in the month than there is money in the bank, doctor bills, gossip,
illness, and loss of loved ones.
I want to believe in the power of smiles, hugs, a kind word, truth, justice, peace, dreams,
the imagination, mankind, and making angels in the snow.'s my checkbook and my car keys, my credit cards and all my responsibility.
I am officially resigning from adulthood.
And if you want to discuss this further, you'll have to catch me first, 'cause,
"Tag! You're it."

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Rena had her baby!

Apr. 20th, 2009 | 07:27 pm

Serena had her baby girl today!!!!!

Angeline Cadence! 6 lb. 13 oz, 21 inches long! awwwww

46 hours of labor, NO drugs... You go girl

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super great day

Apr. 18th, 2009 | 10:29 pm
mood: goodgood

So my mom is visiting and it has been a WONDERFUL weekend! She's actually sleeping on the couch next to me right now,,,apparently my couch is more comfortable than the guest bed that i bought at my neighbors garage sale the day i moved in. We have laughed ALL day. what a wonderful day. Pure sunshine, shopping in west branch,,,some packing including my printer, stereo, picture frames, AJOT/Advance collection, sewing stuff, shoes, christmas supplies and some winter clothes. not bad, but my house looks like a tornado,, i know when i pack up my moms car tomorrow it will clear out

More importantly,, shopping.... can i just say,, I have been JEan shopping for MONTHS now,,, seriously months. None of those months were even comparable to this one beautiful, warm sunny day... In all those months,,, i haven't found that "damn i feel good" pair of jeans.. well today was the day... i bought THREE PAIR OF JEANS... spending 50$ total.. i know, UN HEARD OF.... west branch outlets baby. Andy maybe kohls, old navy, macy's,american eagle, pennys and all the others,,,, wants me to feel bad about my size so they just totally skew the waist line number,,, but gap and (Im not sure what random brands from dress barn) made me feel really good today.... or the turbo jam is paying off! sweet.. I also purchased an amazing pair of white pants to wear to matts graduation ceremony in addition to a sweet short sleeved sweater, summer scarve and polo from old navy. WOW what a great day.

I needed this day.

Tonight has mainly consisted of laziness lifetime and wine... .yes its been a nice evening, quickly coming to an end.

tomorrow will be breakfast at the white tail cafe where the best pancakes ever are made.... and hopefully a nap is in the future of tomorrow, yes i think it will be.

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pent up

Apr. 14th, 2009 | 09:01 pm
mood: nostalgicnostalgic

I feel like I have a book of stories, words, and feelings that i dont even know about sitting inside of me. I am not the person i used to be, and that bothers me. I lost that girl that used to always see the good on life, in others, in every single day. I cannot help but wonder why I have become so negative. It's been a very long time since i have sat in silence, turned on some good music and started writing. theres a little part of me that feels like i may have forgotten how. My insides feel so full... so sad sometimes.

So then i sit back, an i look at my life. I have an AMAZING family. I have an AMAZING boyfriend,AMAZING FRIEND I have a job that SHOULD be very rewarding. I have experience with people and places that people dream about.

For over a year, I have been living away from home, away from matt, away from my nieces and nephews,, i have been living AWAY from my LIFE. Living away from life,, for my job.. for the financial benefits of trying to pay things off before matt and i start our life together. And i know that I never would have been able to pay off as much debt as i have, had I not taken this job. I do not regret it, and I have grown as a person and a professional by choosing the career path that i did. BUT... I fear that living alone for this amount of time, away from family friends and Matt, has instilled somewhat of a negative cloud inside of me. There are too many cold evenings that i come home from work and sulk in what i wish my life was... LIKE that is going to do anything. LAME of me,,, yes.

I often reminisce about HOW GREAT my life has been, about the people in my life, the people who i have crossed paths with, who have taught me how to love, how to listen, how to be loved. I have certainly been blessed, and i have certainly had some remarkable individuals leave fingerprints on my heart. Fingerprints resulting from long conversations, coffee dates, camping weekends,people believing in me when i didnt believe in myself, people who brought laughter day in and day out and didn't even have to try. As I sit here and think about these people, I can only wonder if they too sit back every now and again and smile about moments we had the opportunity of sharing together.

God has placed such amazingly patient and forgiving people in my life. Sometimes I don't deserve the patience that they give me, and the fact that they do,,, i am thankful for that.

I have been thinking a lot about where I want my career path to go when Matt settles.. I know that I have a better chance of getting a job than he does... but Portage Central might end up being an option. So that i started thinking,, if we actually get to live in kalamazoo, where do i want to work. I continue to have a special place in my heart for kids,, and yet working with the geriatric population for almost 2 yeas,, leaves me feeling a bit distanced and forgetful of the whole kids thing... I don't see myself working a a hospital or SNF for the rest of my life... i am not content with that thought at all.. I LOVE LOVE LOVE occupational therapy, and i LOVE my residents, but i do NOT love my job,, and i WANT to love my job... i want to do great things, and i want to excel. If I choose to work with kids, i have A lot of brushing up to do. Not a bad thing, but scary? yes.

This winter has worn on me. It's not like it was cold and windy. It was PAINFULLY frigid, long and terrible. The drives of course didn't make it any easier, but of course, they are always worth it. Matt has 2 weeks left of student teaching. He is goign to be such an amazing history teacher. I love his passion for it. Oh how i want and NEEd to love my job one day soon.

Babies and Engagements. It seems like every other person is announcing one of these oh so wonderful moments in their lives. and i know that I too will get my moment, and when i do, it will be amazing... I just can't wait.. pray for patience for me please...

I am so focused on what's not happening right now, and what i wish was happening right now, that i am not living in the moment, further resulting, in me not being happy with life, and me not making other people happy on a daily basis as i used to do so naturally.

I need to make some drastic changes.

Girlfriends are essential. I have a handful of girlfriends who i can't imagine my life without. Though in a way, we have grown apart and are doing different things,,, were all still connected, and we all still need one another. Living in tawas has killed my girlfriend network. Oh how i miss you all, and need you all.

I gotta get out of this town. I need to pray more.

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Apr. 12th, 2009 | 12:21 pm
mood: jealousjealous

I have never been the jealous type... until the recent years.. i hate being jealous. it makes me mad and left feeling heavy inside. But i am, Jealous.

Its Easter, doesn't feel like easter. Just kinda waiting around for the egg soup. i took daisy to get groomed yesterday,,,bathed and shaved, it took 5 hours! ha.. shes so cute though

Matt has 2 more weeks of student teaching, then graduation yay! then who knows what.

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Apr. 5th, 2009 | 09:49 pm
mood: blahblah

I love cereal... i love it.. mainly special K strawberry,,, cinnemon toast crunch and fiber one...

I HATE HATE HATE SNOW! i feel like we are all being punished.. i can't handle this anymore :( It's supposed to snow multiple times this week! SERIOUSLY

People on house hunters make me sick.. but i want to be on house hunters,, so maybe im just jealous.. actually i want to be on property virgins. *sigh* one day. Now that i think about it.. its realy just the international house hunters that make me sick,, which means im definitly just jealous.

Matt is coming up this week,,, he was going to try to coome up tonight after work, but he got phased late.... *sigh* oh well..

I had to work today, i don't mind working sundays,,, kinda quiet,,, our schedule is finally picking back up... i have friday off which is super great... AND im having lunch with Rena on friday... shes due in TWO WEEKS. i can't believe it!! WOW, so super exciting.

SO is it bad that im literally waiting to be engaged,, like... i need to stop waiting... i know its going to happen, but im expecting it now, and i dont want to expect it,, i want it to be a suprise.. im just so used to getting thing shwne i want them haha, that sounds bad, but really,,, if i need something, or want something, i usually just go out and get it.

Well, I told matt about our desination.. MAINE. were going to maine for a week in june, and i cannot wait... Boston for 2 days and then Bar Harbor ME for 5 days,, the drive will be long, but it will be good :) I can't wait..

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Mar. 29th, 2009 | 09:41 pm
mood: sadsad

Life is short. Yes we have been told this many times,, over and over again, but it truely is. A very good friend of mine lost her dad on friday... freak car accident. He was only 52 years old, and he was a teacher. My heart goes out to her and her family, i cannot even imagine what it feels like to lose a parent in such a tragic instance. I feel so helpless. all i can do it pray. Though i know she has a HUGE support network and and very very strong faith, she LOST her dad. That could happen to anyone.... do you think people go before their time or do u think that when people die, it really truely is their time? I had a lot of thinking time during my 4 hour drive home tonight and i thought about that a lot. and i just don't know. I like to think that God has a plan, and when its yoru time, its your time,,, but how can an tragic, un natural death be part of God's plan? And my parent's only beig in their 50's...doesn't sound old, but when it hink about it.. they're the next generation, there are no more grand parents and the great aunts and uncles arent really around anymore either... only a few... it kills me t think that one day i too will have to say goodbye to a parent. i know its life. and i know it will happen,, and i DREAD it.... i dread watching matt's mom progress with MS, and di dread watching my mom and dad progress with back pain and osteoporosis,,, and apparently my dad is seeing a cardiologist now. i don't want them to get old :(

this reminder of life being short,,, makes me want to reconnect with people.. .i have amazing people in my life and we have all gone our own ways,,, i love them all so much though.

I had a continuing eduation course this weekend,,, held by a WMU professor, it was great to see some of the faculty... what wonderful people.

It was about home modifications beyond grab bars and really focused on the advocation for universal home design and really how to keep people in their homes for longer periods of time,,, while being safe too... lots of contractors are looking to OT's to assist in design. What an interesting take... though frustrating because people who do have progressive diseases,, usually cannot afford the universal features at that point in their lives

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Mar. 19th, 2009 | 04:45 pm
mood: sicksick

Dx: Asthmatic Bronchitis with upper respiratory infection...

Co -pay: $25
Perscription total WITH insurance: $55... seriously.. i want to be under my parents insurance again :( I know stop complaining,, i actualy have insurance

my head is THROBBING IN MISERY!!!!!!!!!! it hurts it hurts it hurts! I want to feel better. Im only banking on a half day tomorrow.. not like our census supplies much more than tthat but jeremy is going too be gone all next week for his doctoral classes in Utah whch makes mke the only OT.. better now than with an insane census right?

GREY IS ON TONIGHT and its going to be good

So basicaly all day i have been laying around,, i bought a small bag of kettle chips which was a BAD idea, b ut i couldnt help it.. iw as waiting for my perscriptions and i felt bad for myself... and thanks to lifetime....i have watched multiple episodes of desperate housewives. a could cat naps here and there,, more so resting my head bease its throbbing, just can't sleep all the time which is okay because i need to sleep tonight.

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absolutely exhausted

Mar. 18th, 2009 | 09:04 pm
mood: thoughtfulthoughtful

So im sick.. again... how many times have i been sick since i got back from DR??? can't even count anymore..this time... it started in my chest, it hought i was having asthma troubles 2 days ago... but then i realized theres a (sorry this sounds disgusting) brick of phlegm in my chest and when i say brick, imean brick. it hurts so bad! Ivtat was 90 this morning. Thats close to needing t be on tank O2! Ive been taking robotussin for like 2 days now ever 4 hours and it has barely helped break it O2 s i came home today from work at about 2.. slept til 430... im ready for bed again and its not even 930... i have an apt in the am at 9 and i took the day off...

So... i have this minor obsession with fantisizing about the future and the housing market... I really love real estate.. i think that if we didnt have family and if we has a stash of cash i think we would head northeast... ic ant get over how amazingly gorgeous everything about it is..and the houses are just as beautiful.. so expensive though.... *sigh* maybe one day. And of course the winters would suck.

i then moved onto the housing markets in roanoke and raleigh... we could live so comfortably there... and matt has always talked about roanoke... he could probably get a job down there, which would be good.

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life update

Mar. 9th, 2009 | 10:00 pm
mood: stressedstressed

So right now im sitting on my couch,, i just did half of my turbo jam dvd and then i meant to hit pause, but i accidentally hit stop... and i dont have a remote to tmy dvd player to fast fwd it... damn,, so im running it through to where i left out,,, wow, dedication haha.. yeah right, i havent worked out in a while... im trying! its so hard to get back into the groove...

Im not sure what state im in anymore... its kinda crazy. LAst night it starts raining, then sleeting, then sleeting with like million MPH winds! It was crazy... so then it snows all night. EW, so now its all snow white again,,the snow gods are bitches right now.

SO we lost a guy at the nursing home today,,, and with this job, you just understand that people die, and by all means it was his time... he has been through a lot and his medical status has declined SO rapidly... just a bummer.

We have this other guy who came to us about a year ago following an annurysm and he is only 55,, he now lives here because he cannot afford assisted living and has no family.. and i guess it realy kind of puts things in perspective as my dad is only 55... I am SO lucky to have the health and family that i do ( Knock on wood) is just so unpredictable... yet al planned out.

Im getting impatient with this whole waiting to be engaged thing,,,, and i know i must be patient... Matt recently reminded me that he only gets to do this once and he wants it to be perfectwhich means... it probably won't be until he is done teaching. *sigh* oh well..

Im scrapbooking Punta Cana right now and i want to go back SO BAD. i just want to live there for like a month lol.. yes at the resort with the free room service and chocolates on my bed everynight... along with the lobster, mussels, shrimp and sea scallops whenever i want them... is that bad?

i am SO SICK OF WINTER. i hate it i hate it i hate it. saddness,, it makes me sad. I want to start tanning so badly again, but im trying not to, i dont wanna spend the money.

This week is dreadful.. my boss is off for 3 days, and she keeps everything under control. We have a PT from traverse city filling in which is good,, shes really nice and good... meshes well with us. We have 4 home visits and 1 community outing and 2 dr. appointments this week.. INSANE. i hate weeks like this.. i get anxiety about it. i know its just a matter of a few days and then it will be over...

My mom is coming to visit this weekend and she is bringing Emma D, which is good but not so good because it is WINTER and we can't go swimming and eat ice cream in the winter... its going to be a long weekend.

next week is my dad, lindsey, Lilly and my Uncle Al's birthdays.. all in a row. i should go home that weekend.. but im no tsure

then the last weekend in March is continuing education in GR.. which will just be a super busy weekend... yuck.

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crappy monday

Feb. 23rd, 2009 | 09:32 pm
mood: stressedstressed

Well, i might say,,, today was a crappy monday ,,,, to an extent.

Thought i woke up refreshed,,, so some actual sunshine... boy was it a BUSY BUSY DAY and tomorrow will only be worse. Our caseload is through the roof again,,,there is NEVER a happy medium.... THREE MORE MONTHS... as nervous as i am to find out what job comes next,,,,out of my comfort zone of course,,, I am excited for a new job.... though i know i will NEVER be lucky enough to find a therapy team such as this one.. i LOVE my co workers... they are so supportive.

so i went to pick up some perscriptions and my new insurance apparently does not have drug coverage!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! a holes... so i have to fight that battle tomorrow...

then...all the faucets in my house turned out redish brown WATER> EW.. but then it went away

so mch to do this week....

jut have to make it to thursday!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then headed down to kalamazoo. and then Matt and I are going tup to GR for the WHOLE WEEKEND!!!!! SO excited. ( for my birthday). The Cascade Winery is having a cheese, wine and chocolate night :) YAY. it will be so fun. i cannot wait.

i need to go to bed.

Tomorrow is fat tuesday YAY

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Feb. 19th, 2009 | 08:21 pm
mood: gratefulgrateful

Well, it has been just about a month since my last entry and i have had so many moments where i wanted to journal, but just havent had time.

What a long month.. .mainly traveling in mt pleasant and clare, but i have been back in tawas for 2 weeks now and HOW Nice to not travel.

but I am exhausted.

going to kalamazoo this weekend of course and i cannot wait to see my matt.. oh how i miss him.. its been 3 weeks i think.. too long,, I wish it was next weekend though... We are going up to Grand Rapids for my birthday and we're going to the cascade winery for a cheese chocolate and wine night. HOW fun it will be.... and other than it, it will just be a relaxing weekend, that we most certainly need.

Today was a very long day.. im not sure why, it just was. But i did my dishes,, ironed my laundry and am in the process of packing for the weekend.

I have very much missed kelley lately.. i love our friendship.

Serena's baby shower was last weekend... and as much as i hate to be jealous... she so had the life i want right now... pregnant happily married and gorgeous haha... im so ready to get married. and i most certainly am waiting patiently.

Claire bear turned 1 this month her birthday party was so much fun.. it was such a blessing seeing all the kids under my mom and dads roof! I LOVE them more than anything.

i've been drinking wine lately. haha i love it. probably too much.

I've been thinking a lot about life and how even though i complain a lot about my sittuation,, at the end of the day, I can't claim anything less than completely blessed.... with amazingness that i truely know how to love and be loved,,, how to appreciate my health every day and basic appreciation of life. the little things... living up north has done something to me, id ont know how to explain it. but as much as i complain,, I am blessed.

with that i am going to make delicious whole wheat crepes with dark semi sweet chocolate chips... yeah too bad you dont live in tawas,, i would invite you over for grey and crepes.

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Jan. 18th, 2009 | 10:03 pm
mood: sleepysleepy

I have done nothing today


I have eaten terribly

this weekend was fun though. My mom came up and it was her birthday,, before she came up she told me she said..."I wanna do that shot where u lick the salt and suck the lemon".... you mean tequilla mom? yes,, lets to that,,, im getting old and ive never done that one.

I love her so much,,,,

so we did,, 2 jose cuervos,,, a buttery nipple and a kaluah and cream... had i not had checking account restrictions, we would have carried on.

So maybe if i tell you what i did today,,, wont feel so bad about it.... like confession...

i woke up early... went to breakfast with my mom... ( i love breakfast).... came home, after she left,, i put in season 4 of grey, got through 10 episodes, which put me at about 730pm... in that time i ate my half a slim jim leftovers from big boy.... and then i ordered chinese for dinner... SO unneccessary.... completely.

i did drink tea an fresh squeezed grapefruit juice, thats healthy right? Haha.

so im headed back to mt pleasant this week... tues - thurs... monday in tawas. and i think ill just take friday off,, because ill be at 37 hours with my drive time, so whats the point of coming back up to tawas ill just head down to kzoo.

has anyone realized how many people are getting engaged and having babies lately? i hate feeling jealous, i know my time will come, patience, not jealousy.

so im having memory loss and i forgot to register my new plates for my car... DUH,,my mom reminded me a million times... i meant to do it last week before i went to mt pleasant, and then i just forgot and now its late... and tomorrow,, secretary of state is is closed b/c of MLK day.... oh well,, lets just hope i don't get pulled over ( knock on wood)

SO it snowed an unneccessary amount yesterday,, like 8 inches of unneccessaryness... sick. im so sck of snow. ew.

and depite me doing nothing today... IM BEAT tired... so tired and brothers and sisters is really good tonight but i should prolly just go to bed...

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bad day, good reminder

Jan. 13th, 2009 | 10:18 pm

'To get something you never had, you have to do something you never did.'When God takes something from your grasp, He's not punishing you, but merely opening your hands to receive something better. Concentrate on this sentence... 'The will of God will never take you where the Grace of God will not protect you.' �Something good will happen to you today; something that you have been waiting to hear.

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where has the optimism gone ?

Jan. 8th, 2009 | 09:54 pm

20% of life is what happens to you, 80% how we react.

I need to react differently. I need to smile and be happy and just do what needs to be done.

Im really tired of working in midland,, even though its a nice facility, im just so tired of driving. And now they want me to work in mount pleasant next week...

PAIN IN MY ASS.. but i have to do it,, and i will and i need to do it with a smile on my face

so yes, this is me smiling .

:) hwfoihoonf ybn we9GT

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